by Mark Damon Hughes <kamikaze@kuoi.asui.uidaho.edu>

The Fire Luser mission statement:

"Implement a bold new paradigm of carbon-combustion technology while maintaining mission-critical services."

Mark Edwards wrote:

Fire? I've heard of that. What is it? Is it Y2k compliant?

I replied:

Unh. Our ancestors and fire lusers.

"I stuck my hand in the fire, and it hurt."
"Don't stick your hand in the fire."
"But I can't get my burning stick out!"

"How do I start fire?"
"Well, you rub these sticks together really fast over some fine dry wood called kindling..."
"Oh, that's too complicated. Can you do it for me?"

"Help, help, Throg's got the fire all over him!"
"Make him stop, drop, and roll!"
"Uh, what was the second part? Oh, never mind, it doesn't matter any more."

Frankly, I'm amazed humanity has survived for [5-10] million years.

Joel Herda responded:

Don't be silly. If you look far back in history, Fire Administrators were once assigned to, er, keep the flames burning, and to properly distribute them out to the population as needed.

It shouldn't be a surprise that they were often members of mysterious priesthoods, and that many rituals grew out of keeping fire (eternal flames) and distributing it (i can't remember the name of the ritual where whole towns douse all their fires, go to the church with a couple of candles, and light them from the altar candles to bring back home).

Of course, for the BFAFH, favorite rituals include human sacrifice (rip out a luser's still-beating heart and toss it on the coals), burning at the stake, and the TV Kung-Fu-show-style branding application using a pot of burning coals carried around by the luser's forearms.

kea@bofh.se quipped:

Argh, I can imagine how it worked, the same luser coming into office[1]

l: my fire is broken
a: what's wrong with it
l: it's not working, FIX IT
a: how is it not working
l: I don't know, I'am not technical...
a: Is it still warm, and colorfull?
l: uh, no?
a: what did you do with it?
l: nothing
a: didn't you fead it as I told you to?
l: yes
a: so how did you manage to break it
l: well it was dying, and I was feading it, and suddenly it died
a: what did you fead it with?
l: I had all that wet stuff, that I figured it would like, so I tossed it onto it, and it died, FIX IT

[1] office as in cave, not that big of difference betwean now and then.

Elsewhere, April Walters (aurienne@webpixie.com) scrobe:

The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:

This fire help. Me Groog
Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.
You have flint and stone?
Ugh
You hit them together?
Ugh
What happen?
Fire not work
(sigh) Make spark?
No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.
*sigh* You change rock?
I change nothing
You sure?
Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.
*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*
*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*

"fun" wrote:

Light a fire for a luser and he'll be warm for a night; set a luser on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Last modified: 99Feb14
Pasted together and marked up several messages